dear bert

And now both Steven and Mark are in the Guardian live chat, and oh God they're hilarious

• Steven Moffat: Hello
• Mark Gatiss: You! The second most dangerous man in London!
• Steven Moffat: You! Previously unknown to science!!
• Guest: If you could pick one thing that is your favorite about writing an episode, what would it be?
• Steven Moffat: My fave thing about writing is FINISHING. That's really nice. I LOVE that.
• Mark Gatiss: There's nothing nice about writing.
• Guest: Which one of you would be Sherlock and who would be John?
• Steven Moffat: We're both Watson. Nothing happens very fast .....
• Mark Gatiss: Although I'm the only one who grows a moustache.
• Guest: Does it surprise you with how popular Mycroft is by some of the fans?
• Mark Gatiss: Mycroft's popularity doesn't surprise me at all. He is, after all, incredibly beautiful, clever and well-dressed. And beautiful. Did I mention that?
• Steven Moffat: It's just a shame Mark is ugly and badly dressed.
• Guest: I've heard a theory on how Sherlock faked his death involving anti-gravity, a cat, and buttered toast. Shall we expect the solution to be any more plausible?
• Steven Moffat: No.
• Guest: I have a theory on how Sherlock faked his death regarding the packets of crisps still in his pockets. Plausible?
• Steven Moffat: Yes, that's it, you've got it.
• Mark Gatiss: Entirely plausible. Were they 'Wotsits'?
• Mark Gatiss: Could crisps cushion his fall?
• Guest: Will John ever get married? Or is he married to his work/Sherlock now?
• Mark Gatiss: John is married to his wok. he's a big fan of Chinese food.
• Guest: Have you guys ever thought about having John and Molly date?
• Steven Moffat: I'm not sure Molly is able to retain John in her memory any time she breaks eye contact with him. Like the Silence in Doctor Who
• Guest: I'm a little confused about the timeline of series 2. Does Hound take place during Scandal? They both seem to be set around christmas time.
• Steven Moffat: Well I'd be interested in the time line theories, that's an old standby of Sherlock Holmes fans. We assumed they happened sequentially, but what do we know?
• Guest: Something I've been dying to know, what was in the present (in Scandal), that Molly bought Sherlock for Christmas? I bet he'd be difficult to buy for!
• Steven Moffat: No idea what Molly bought. Did Sherlock ever open it, that's the question.... Ohhh!!!
• Mark Gatiss: Molly's present? A tantalus, perhaps?
• Steven Moffat: Cocaine!!
• Mark Gatiss: (after in pause in questions flow) Starving. Has everyone had their tea?
• Guest: If you could ask sir Arthur Conan Doyle one question, what would it be?
• Mark Gatiss: How come you're so bloody brilliant? I asked him one last night through a medium, actually. His answer was "Six and three eighths".
• Guest: What do you think of the Believe In Sherlock campaign the fans started back in January?
• Steven Moffat: Best viral marketing campaign ever. And beyond thrilling for us.
• Guest: How long does it typically take you guys to write and film an episode?
• Mark Gatiss: A hundred years.
• Steven Moffat: On a good day.
• Guest: How do you decide who writes each episode?
• Mark Gatiss: We fall into a brown study, consume ten ounces of ship's tobacco and, when the fug clears, we know who's doing what.
• Mark Gatiss: Oh and there's wine.
• Steven Moffat: Do you have wine there? I don't have any wine.
• Mark Gatiss: No wine. no. I'm having bacon and eggs in a minute, though.
• Steven Moffat: I've been trying to make toast. Crumbs all over the computer.
• Guest: Do you have anything you'd like to say to your fans in the United States?
• Steven Moffat: Please watch our shows. And buy the DVDs.
• Guest: Do you have another theme in mind like this season: Love, Fear & Death?
• Mark Gatiss: Yes. Tea, Milk and Sugar.
• Mark Gatiss: Love, Fear & Death are very big. We have to top that. Sloth, Pain & Eczema?
• Guest: How many trench coats are used in the average Sherlock episode?
• Steven Moffat: There is no average Sherlock episode. The very idea!
• Guest: The blood in the show is so realistic! Mind sharing the recipe?
• Steven Moffat: Hit people.
• Mark Gatiss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhuR1VMkpXM
• Ruth Spencer: We've had thousands of readers and comments today - thank you so much for joining us! Any final thoughts before we go?
• Mark Gatiss: Yes. As a nice surprise for our US fans, I can exclusively reveal that Sherlock faked his death by
• Mark Gatiss: Oh God! We're out of time!
• Steven Moffat: Very exciting to hear from Sherlock fans. I suppose we now have to buckle down and make some more. Or just make some toast. I'd really like some toast.
• Steven Moffat: And yes, please vote for us in the YouTube thing. Cos if we lose we'll be too upset to make any more. And I'll axe Doctor Who as well. And shoot Santa Claus and some puppies.